The Cooperative Baptist Fellowship is accepting resumes for executive coordinator. Applicants should be forty years old and have thirty-five years of experience, inspire people who are not sure they want to be inspired, and enjoy playing guitar with teenagers and piano at the nursing home. The new coordinator should be hard as nails, soft, and fuzzy. He or she should have vision, vision, vision, but not the kind of vision with which
people might disagree.
Stacks of resumes of qualified, capable, and competent candidates are piling up on the search committee’s desk. The ten member committee looking for a replacement for Daniel Vestal is receiving tons of helpful feedback, and a plethora of brilliant nominations, but if we are not careful we will be so thoughtful that we only think of candidates that make sense. Here are several not-even-in-the-same-zip-code-as-the-logical-possibilities recommendations:
Tony Campolo – He would appeal to those who care about the poor, American Baptists, and bald people.
Bill Moyers – He’s ordained and a seminary graduate. One negative is that he hasn’t been a member of a Baptist church in a while, but he has his own television show and it is not on TBN.
Barbara Brown Taylor – Anyone who points out that she’s Episcopal is nit-picking.
Tim Tebow – He would be the first Heisman Trophy winner to serve as Executive
Coordinator. 
His parents were Baptist missionaries in the Philippines, but he’s not accurate past twenty yards.
Anne Lamott – She has experience as a political activist, public speaker, and novelist. Her newsletter columns would be well-written and she seems to be cursing less lately.
Barack Obama – He has extensive administrative experience and cute children. Like Jesus he was a community organizer, and it’s possible that he will be looking for a job soon. One negative is that he got into an argument with his last pastor.
Jeremiah Wright – He was once Barack Obama’s pastor.
Bill Gates – If he were our Executive Coordinator we would not need a fundraiser. On the downside, he is a college dropout—though in his defense it was Harvard.
Hillary Clinton – She’s a Methodist, but dealing with rogue leaders around the world is excellent preparation for working with ministers.
Mike Huckabee – He was president of the Arkansas Baptist State Convention, so maybe not.
Bono – The lead singer of U2 works hard to make the world a better place.
He was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize, but he didn’t win.
Jimmy Carter – He won the Nobel Peace Prize and he’s an excellent Sunday school teacher.
Rosalyn Carter – She’s a deacon, but she has many fine qualities.
Jon Stewart – One hitch is that he’s Jewish, but he’s smart and funny.
Stephen Colbert – He’s not as funny as Jon Stewart, but he’s a Sunday school teacher.
Tom Hanks –His roles in Philadelphia and The DaVinci Code might lose him a few
votes, but he saved Private Ryan and Buzz Lightyear.
Garrison Keillor – This captivating storyteller grew up in the Plymouth Brethren, an
Irish fundamentalist denomination, which might be strangely helpful.
Carol Younger – My wife is a seminary graduate and has substantial church experience. Everybody loves her. She already lives in Atlanta.
Clarice Younger – My mother would appeal to the Sarah Palin wing of the CBF.
Sarah Palin – She’s not a Baptist, but she has some of the same advantages as my mother.
Pope Benedict XVI – He’s Catholic, 85 years old, and pretty austere, but it would be a pretty big story if he took the job and the CBF would loosen him up.
Justin Bieber – I keep hearing that we need someone who appeals to young people. Would being Canadian disqualify him?
Feel free to inundate the search committee with my suggestions. (It would also be a fine idea to pray for the committee.) If any of these recommendations actually become the Executive Coordinator, remember you heard it here first—unless it’s Justin Bieber.