Peculiar Preacher

Most Baptists claim that they do not care for the product, but when we are alone we smile at the commercials featuring “the most interesting man in the world.”  The advertisements depict a bearded, debonair gentleman in his 50s.  While vaguely Spanish music plays in the background the narrator describes “the most interesting man in the world.” 

• If he punched you in the face, you would have to fight off the strong urge to thank him.
• He once taught a German shepherd to bark in Spanish.
• His personality is so magnetic, he is unable to carry credit cards.
• He has been known to cure narcolepsy just by walking into a room.
• His organ donor card also lists his beard.
• He is “the most interesting man in the world.”

Each commercial ends with a signature sign-off: “Stay thirsty, my friends.” 

            I am guessing that you and I have exactly the same reaction—someone needs to make commercials about “the most interesting minister in the world.”

When the most interesting minister leads a silent prayer, birds stop singing. 

When the most interesting minister prays before the offering, the plates fill with credit cards, earrings and gold watches.

Other ministers have to lead the prayer of confession, because the most interesting minister has nothing to say.

During hymns, the congregation wishes the most interesting minister’s lapel mic was on.

            When the most interesting minister reads scripture, most assume she wrote it.
            When the most interesting minister has a baby dedication the baby always cries, when he hands the baby back to the mother.

When the most interesting minister leads the children’s sermon, everyone comes to the front.

When the most interesting minister steps into the baptistery, the water parts.

When the most interesting minister serves communion, it does not taste like grape juice.

When the most interesting minister preaches, cell phones refuse to ring.

The most interesting minister speaks fluent Hebrew and Greek, but never does so in the pulpit.

Nine months after the most interesting minister’s sermon on Song of Solomon, the nursery ran out of space.

When the most interesting minister preached on the Book of Revelation it made sense.

The most interesting minister preached on the war in Afghanistan, abortion, and gay marriage.  Everyone agreed with everything she said.

The most interesting minister quotes The Lighter Side.

 

 

 

The most interesting minister never preaches long enough.

Ministers from other churches join the most interesting minister’s church just to shake his hand.

After Sunday services, the most interesting minister autographs orders of worship—which have been known to show up on e-Bay.

When the organ is broken, the most interesting minister fixes it, without tools.

When the most interesting minister speaks at deacons’ meetings, deacons repent.

The most interesting minister does not go to committee meetings, they come to him.

The youth have a Sunday for her. 

When the most interesting minister served at the Wednesday night supper, the kitchen got a five star rating in the next day’s newspaper. 

When the most interesting minister led a Bible study on Genesis 3, apple sales plummeted.

            When the most interesting minister performs a wedding ceremony, no one looks at the bride.

            When the most interesting minister preaches at a funeral, people cry because the deceased did not get to hear it. 

The most interesting minister performs the Christmas pageant as a one person play. 

When the most interesting minister built a house for Habitat for Humanity, it was immediately renamed Habitat for Divinity.

Billy Graham comes to his crusades.

Joel Osteen copied the most interesting minister’s smile.

The most interesting minister knows your name, your birthday, and the year of your birth—which she never mentions.

The most interesting minister has been to Israel many times, and each time, peace breaks out.

I don’t always go to church, but when I do I prefer my minister.  Stay interesting, ministers.

 

The Most Interesting Minister in the World

by Brett Younger

 

 

            After two weeks in Israel, I feel qualified to offer the kind of advice you might expect only from tour guides with years of experience.

            Try to get to the Holy Land as a young person.  If you are as old as forty-nine, you may find the mountains exhausting and the heat draining.   Fill your pockets with one dollar bills and spend them freely on bottles of water. 

Be prepared to feel like some holy sites would be holier with fewer people.  (Most of us know the feeling of the church getting in the way of our worship.)

            Recognize that some historical sites are a bit sketchy.  A multitude of signs point sightseers to “David’s Tomb.”  The first thing the guide says is, “We are certain that this is not David’s tomb.”  I assume that they found that “Not David’s Tomb” did not draw many tourists.

Leave your skepticism at home.  The Church of the Nativity is probably not on the exact spot of Jesus’ birth.   That does not change the sacred truth that pilgrims have been coming to that spot for almost 1700 years to give thanks for Jesus’ coming.  Just get in line. 

Be grateful for sites that are more likely.  The well in Nazareth has been the only well in town since long before the time of Jesus.  If Mary and Joseph went to a well it was the one I saw (though, admittedly, it did not have a big church on top of it). 

Most places where there is any chance a particular biblical story took place are marked with churches.  I did not see “The Church of the Head of John the Baptist on a Platter,” but I would not have been surprised.

            Write down the names of churches you see, in case you are ever starting a church and want something out of the ordinary.  Have you seen any of these in your town— The Church of the Adolescent Jesus, The Church of the Flagellation or The Church of Our Lady of the Spasm?

Float in the Dead Sea if you must, but do not expect to enjoy it.  It is basically a bath in poisoned baby oil.

You will quickly recognize that when the Bible says that Jesus went to the wilderness it was easy, because 99% of the country is wilderness.  Do not, however, ask your guide born in Israel if the person who first called this “the land flowing with milk and honey” was being sarcastic.  He will not be amused. 

Don’t expect camel rides or belly dancers, but take a camera anyway.  

Enjoy the exotic foods.  I started my trip looking forward to falafel, shawarma, and the fish’s head being left on.  By the end I was looking for McDonald’s.
            Make your way through the crowd, kneel and push a list of prayer concerns into a crack in the Wailing Wall.  It couldn’t hurt.   

Sit on the beach where the resurrected Jesus served the disciples the Lord’s breakfast.  Wish you could have been there, and then realize that you are.

Get baptized in the Jordan River—even though you have to walk through Disneyland to get there.  You still might feel a little of what Jesus felt.

Pray through the Beatitudes while sitting on the Mount of the Beatitudes.  Read about Jesus’ birth while you are at the Shepherds’ Field in Bethlehem, the stilling of the storm while on a boat on the Sea of Galilee, Zacchaeus while standing beneath the oldest sycamore tree in Jericho, and Peter’s denial while in the courtyard where it happened.  Walk the Via Dolorosa, the way of suffering, and marvel at Jesus’ courage.

The best stories are often about people traveling far from home to discover that what they most need was at home all the time.  A Catholic priest welcomed our group by saying that he hoped we were not there as religious tourists, but had come to “meet the Risen Christ.”  We could have responded that we believe that we can meet Christ every day—no matter where we are.  Sometimes the treasure we go looking for has been with us all along.

 

Your Guide to the Holy Land

by Brett Younger