Losing It

You should wear a hat.”

Carol and I have been married for 29 years. This is the first time I have heard her say, “You should wear a hat.”

I respond appropriately, “Huh?”

“Like when you were in college. You wore hats then. Maybe you should get a fedora.”

Carol and I did not meet until after college, but I let it pass. My beloved thinks it is time to start covering my bald spot. “Spot” may not be the right word. Spot sounds like a barely visible dot. My bald area is yarmulke-sized and is threatening to become a bald head rather than a bald spot. By age 50, half of all Caucasian males begin to lose their hair. This is true for only one in four Chinese men. I should have eaten more egg rolls.

Men have long been frightened of looking like light bulbs. A doctor’s prescription written in Egypt around 1550 BCE recommended applying the fat of a hippo and a crocodile to the scalp for four days. Aristotle suggested goat urine for the follicly challenged. Cleopatra implied that Julius Caesar’s thinning dome could use a lotion of ground up mice, horse teeth, and bear grease. A Viking legend advocated smearing pates with dollops of goose poop. India had the simplest prescription for retreating hair—do a headstand. In 1896, Scientific American concluded that listening to stringed instruments prevents hair from falling out while brass instruments cause hair loss. Nineteenth century French psychologist Emile Coue believed positive thinking could bring back curls. In 1988, Swiss farmer Gerhardt Flit claimed bat milk—which he sold for $3500 per ounce—cures baldness.

During the Middle Ages choir boys with particularly beautiful voices were castrated before reaching puberty to keep their voices from changing. Researchers found that none of these castrated choir boys grew bald—which suggests to me that baldness is a sign of sexual potency. Even so, when you see that you are going James Carville, you go through the stages of grief:

(1) Denial – “This can’t be happening to me. The barber must have made a mistake.”

(2) Anger – “Why me? Justin Bieber has his hair! I didn’t do anything wrong.”

(3) Bargaining – “The guys in the Rogaine ads look good. Why not?”

(4) Depression – “My life with hair is over. What’s the point?”

(5) Acceptance – “Sean Connery is handsome.”

Scientists used to claim baldness was due to one’s mother’s genetic makeup, but now they are unsure. Baldness could be the next step in our evolution from a furry ape.

I’m getting used to my androgenic alopecia. My hair is going from parted to departed. I don’t own a blow dryer. My remaining hair dries in the time it takes to brush my teeth. I get colder when it rains and sunburned when I play tennis. When children count bald men in church I make the list. I cannot become a faith healer, because no one trusts a bald one.

When I go to my stylist at Super Cuts I ask, “How much more like Sinead O’Connor do I have to look to be eligible for a discount?” My barber laughs and offers to trim my eyebrows, while I notice that haircuts are $15 and shaves are $10. Shaving my head will be cheaper.

I’m still some distance from Daddy Warbucks, but I am now the guy people ask for directions. Apparently bald men are more likely to know street names. We look more mature, less angry.

I am making peace with becoming Mr. Clean. I feel some camaraderie with Bruce Willis, though I still wonder why God would want me bald.

The Bible helps. Leviticus 11:22 tells us we can eat the “bald locust”—which must be the tastiest of locusts. Leviticus 13:40 offers a promise that should be cross-stitched, “If anyone loses the hair from his head, he is bald but he is clean.”

2 Kings recounts this touching story about Elisha: “Some small boys came out of the city and jeered at him, saying, ‘Go away, baldhead! Go away, baldhead!’” This is ancient Israel’s version of “Are you really that bald or is your neck blowing a bubble?” Elisha cursed them and “two she-bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the boys.” (This heartwarming story is seldom included in children’s Bibles.)

Most of us want to keep our bald spots out of sight. We know the feeling of wanting to cover our head or being in way over our head, but we might be better off admitting that something is missing.

According to The Acts of Paul and Thecla, a book written sixty years after the New Testament, Paul was “bald-headed, bowlegged, strongly built, a man small in size, with eyebrows that met, and a rather large nose.” There’s no growing back, so I’m joining St. Paul, Tony Campolo, and the Dalai Lama, though I do look good in a fedora.

This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

394 Responses to Losing It

  1. Pingback: Cheap Pandora Jewelry

  2. Pingback: ralph lauren outlet

  3. Pingback: black cement 3s

  4. Pingback: ralph lauren pas cher france

  5. Pingback: cheap jordan shoes

  6. Pingback: jordan 10 for sale

  7. Pingback: jordan 11 low concord

  8. Pingback: cheap venom green 10s

  9. Pingback: nike air yeezy 2 red october

  10. Pingback: monster beats

  11. Pingback: jordan v oreo

  12. Pingback: jordan 11 low

  13. Pingback: Shoes

  14. Pingback: Thomas Sabo Onlineshop

  15. Pingback: steel 10s for sale

  16. Pingback: jordan 9 barons

  17. Pingback: kanye west shoes

  18. Pingback: louboutin pas cher

  19. Pingback: monster beats

  20. Pingback: Air Jordans Shoes For Sale

  21. Pingback: jordan 9 barons 2014

  22. Pingback: jordan 10 venom green for sale

  23. Pingback: jordan retro shoes

  24. Pingback: air jordan 9 barons

  25. Pingback: jordan 9 retro barons

  26. Pingback: kanye west shoes

  27. Pingback: nike blazer femme pas cher

  28. Pingback: casque beats by dre

  29. Pingback: barons 9s

  30. Pingback: bel air 5s

  31. Pingback: nike blazer rouge

  32. Pingback: nike free run soldes

  33. Pingback: jordan shoes for sale

  34. Pingback: jordan 11 space jam online

  35. Pingback: jordan 4 fire red toro

  36. Pingback: jordan retro shoes

  37. Pingback: cheap jordan shoes

  38. Pingback: Cheap Pandora Bracelets Sale

  39. Pingback: Cheap Jordans Shoes For Sale

  40. Pingback: ukrailsim uk

  41. Pingback: http://www.onyxiens.fr/

  42. Pingback: Where To Buy Concord 11s

  43. Pingback: http://www.builttospill.org/

  44. Pingback: http://www.inoki.net/Polo Ralph Lauren Outlet

  45. Pingback: ralph lauren polo shirts

  46. Pingback: Ralph Lauren Danmark

  47. Pingback: http://www.mtourinfo.net/

  48. Pingback: jordan outlet

  49. Pingback: cheap jordan 11 low concord

  50. Pingback: http://www.albs.co.uk/

  51. Pingback: http://www.ratville.co.uk/

  52. Pingback: http://www.tobyplc.com/

  53. Pingback: nike air yeezy 2

  54. Pingback: monster beats

  55. Pingback: http://www.cmscc.org/

  56. Pingback: handbags

  57. Pingback: http://www.security4you.net/

  58. Pingback: http://www.thechillspot.org/

  59. Pingback: charms

  60. Pingback: http://www.kclc.net/

  61. Pingback: Gucci Clutches

  62. Pingback: Where To Buy Real jordan 13 bred for Kids

  63. Pingback: glolo

  64. Pingback: Cheap Pandora Charms

  65. Pingback: concord 11 low

  66. Pingback: Nike Air Jordan 4 White and Blue online Shop

  67. Pingback: low concord 11s

  68. Pingback: nike air jordan sale

  69. Pingback: Asics Gel Speedstar 6 Australia for sale

  70. Pingback: http://www.fenacor.org/

  71. Pingback: http://www.lifepix.co.uk/

  72. Pingback: Onitsuka Tiger California 78 VIN cheap

  73. Pingback: Nike Lebron XI Men Hornets Shoes Purple Blue

  74. Pingback: jordan 3 gs 25th anniversary 2014

  75. Pingback: jordan 5 gs black alarming Infant For Sale

  76. Pingback: jordan low concords

  77. Pingback: gucci outlet

  78. Pingback: coach factory online

  79. Pingback: nike store

  80. Pingback: louis vuitton outlet

  81. Pingback: prada handbags

  82. Pingback: italia

  83. Pingback: http://www.mkpitstop.co.uk/

  84. Pingback: camm polo

  85. Pingback: http://www.ebikecentrum.eu/

  86. Pingback: elder scrolls online gold

  87. Pingback: Ralph Lauren Canada

  88. Pingback: Cheap Ralph lauren Polo Shirts UK

  89. Pingback: http://www.esmi.eu/

  90. Pingback: Thomas Sabo

  91. Pingback: Nike Air Max Light Essential Chaussure pour Femme

  92. Pingback: polo

  93. Pingback: Marian Hossa usa jersey

  94. Pingback: louboutin homme

  95. Pingback: Louboutin Pas Cher

  96. Pingback: Louboutin Soldes

  97. Pingback: Dr Dre Beats

  98. Pingback: Louboutin Pas Cher

  99. Pingback: Cheap Dr Dre Beats

  100. Pingback: eso gold

  101. Pingback: Jordan Carmine 6s

  102. Pingback: http://www.marenoir.it/

  103. Pingback: umarellsblog polo

  104. Pingback: Ralph Lauren Sale UK

  105. Pingback: Where To Buy Concord 11s

  106. Pingback: true religion online shop

  107. Pingback: http://www.klarosblog.de/wp-de.php

  108. Pingback: longchamp Trousse Neuf sans étiquette Noir

  109. Pingback: Giuseppe Zanotti London Leather Metal Logo Sneakers

  110. Pingback: Ralph Lauren

  111. Pingback: Giuseppe Zanotti London Velet Black Metalic Sneakers

  112. Pingback: dior handbags

  113. Pingback: http://www.gparry.co.uk/news/wp-content/beats-by-dre/

  114. Pingback: cheap Jordan Retro 1

  115. Pingback: Giuseppe Zanotti Shearling Panel Sneakers

  116. Pingback: Giuseppe Zanotti London Tassels Sneakers

  117. Pingback: Jordan Carmine 6s

  118. Pingback: oakley antix

  119. Pingback: carmine 6s

  120. Pingback: fuel cell oakley

  121. Pingback: carmine 6s

  122. Pingback: jordan 6 carmine

  123. Pingback: oakley polarized

  124. Pingback: Louis Vuitton Outlet Store

  125. Pingback: boutique louboutin

  126. Pingback: Ralph

  127. Pingback: Concord 11

  128. Pingback: louboutin femme

  129. Pingback: oakley flak jacket

  130. Pingback: true religion jeans outlet

  131. Pingback: Jordan Carmine 6s

  132. Pingback: Jordan 11 Concord

  133. Pingback: cheap ray bans

  134. Pingback: jordan pas cher

  135. Pingback: Jordan Carmine 6s

  136. Pingback: Carmine 6s 2014

  137. Pingback: Concord 11s 2014

  138. Pingback: http://cafel.fr/wp-content/server.php

  139. Pingback: Cheap Soccer shoes

  140. Pingback: Ralph Lauren Outlet UK

  141. Pingback: Authentic Carmine 6s

  142. Pingback: How To Get Concord 11s

  143. Pingback: http://www.codupesa.com/pandora-bracelets.html

  144. Pingback: polo ralph lauren italia

  145. Pingback: Jordan 6 Carmine

  146. Pingback: uk

  147. Pingback: http://www.inchs.co.uk/

  148. Pingback: Gamma Blue 11s 2013

  149. Pingback: Real Concord 11s

  150. Pingback: burberry preapplied

  151. Pingback: cheap louis vuitton

  152. Pingback: louis vuitton bags uk

  153. Pingback: http://www.mjones.com.au/bracelets.html

  154. Pingback: http://www.dampa.co.uk/

  155. Pingback: Runescape Gold

  156. Pingback: Runescape 2007 Gold

  157. Pingback: jordan 6 carmine for sale

  158. Pingback: basket jordan femme

  159. Pingback: zapatos mbt baratos

  160. Pingback: hollister damen

  161. Pingback: mulberry outlet

  162. Pingback: carmine 6s for sale

  163. Pingback: jordan carmine 6s

  164. Pingback: Path Of Exile Currency

  165. Pingback: salomon chaussures rando

  166. Pingback: Hermes handbags

  167. Pingback: jordan 6 carmine

  168. Pingback: carmine 6s

  169. Pingback: Michael Kors Outle

  170. Pingback: buy prada handbags australia

  171. Pingback: hollister deutschland

  172. Pingback: michael kors watches

  173. Pingback: Coach Outlet

  174. Pingback: true religion outlet online

  175. Pingback: jordan outlet

  176. Pingback: michael kors handbags

  177. Pingback: online toms outlet

  178. Pingback: jogging jordan

  179. Pingback: jordan 6 carmine

  180. Pingback: polo ralph lauren pas cher

  181. Pingback: Oakley Sunglasses

  182. Pingback: RayBan Outlet

  183. Pingback: True Religion Jeans

  184. Pingback: Air Jordans

  185. Pingback: oakley glasses

  186. Pingback: http://www.lineski.co.uk/

  187. Pingback: carmine 6s

  188. Pingback: kate spade tote bag

  189. Pingback: discount nike free 3

  190. Pingback: jordan 6 carmine

  191. Pingback: http://www.sorcierbouc.fr/

  192. Pingback: carmine 6s

  193. Pingback: michael kors outlet

  194. Pingback: ray ban outlet

  195. Pingback: Cheap Fake Oakley Commit Sunglasses Black Frame Blueyellow Lens

  196. Pingback: nike free pas cher

  197. Pingback: chaussures christian louboutin femme

  198. Pingback: nike tn requin pas cher

  199. Pingback: Discount Oakley Sunglasses

  200. Pingback: coach factory outlet online

  201. Pingback: Retro Jordan 12 Taxi

  202. Pingback: Messi Adidas Soccer Cleats

  203. Pingback: wow gold

  204. Pingback: nike pas cher

  205. Pingback: ray ban pas cher

  206. Pingback: nike free pas cher

  207. Pingback: timberland boots outlet

  208. Pingback: carmine 6s

  209. Pingback: jordan 6 carmine

  210. Pingback: ray ban femme

  211. Pingback: nike tn requin pas cher

  212. Pingback: nike chassures tn requin pas cher

  213. Pingback: canada goose expedition parka

  214. Pingback: taxi 12

  215. Pingback: How To Get Low Infrared 11s

  216. Pingback: J.Crew Outlet

  217. Pingback: Carmine 6s 2014

  218. Pingback: Retro Air Jordan 11 Gamma Blue

  219. Pingback: oakley outlet online

  220. Pingback: mens oakley sunglasses

  221. Pingback: oakley dubai

  222. Pingback: wholesale oakley sunglasses

  223. Pingback: oakley sunglasses on sale

  224. Pingback: fake oakley sunglasses wholesale 2014

  225. Pingback: oakley baseball glasses

  226. Pingback: oakley probation

  227. Pingback: oakley fast jacket

  228. Pingback: oakley frogskins polarized

  229. Pingback: oakleys sunglasses

  230. Pingback: oakley lenses uk

  231. Pingback: crosshair oakley 2.0

  232. Pingback: oakley gascan sunglasses

  233. Pingback: oakley m frame sunglasses

  234. Pingback: GHD Outlet

  235. Pingback: Loft Outlet

  236. Pingback: ???? ???

  237. Pingback: michael kors factory

  238. Pingback: wow gold

  239. Pingback: true religion jeans sale

  240. Pingback: scarpe fitness mbt

  241. Pingback: site hollister pas cher

  242. Pingback: hogan bambina

  243. Pingback: karen millen uk

  244. Pingback: womens oakley sunglasses

  245. Pingback: oakley military sunglasses

  246. Pingback: oakley flak jacket nose pads

  247. Pingback: oakley thump

  248. Pingback: oakley nose pads

  249. Pingback: oakley icon

  250. Pingback: standard issue oakley

  251. Pingback: oakley socks

  252. Pingback: oakley shoes

  253. Pingback: cheap oakley frogskins

  254. Pingback: oakley radar range

  255. Pingback: oakley dealers

  256. Pingback: polarized oakley sunglasses

  257. Pingback: oakley gas cans

  258. Pingback: Oakley Antix

  259. Pingback: oakley jupiter sunglasses

  260. Pingback: replacement oakley lenses

  261. Pingback: oakley minute machine

  262. Pingback: oakley sunglass lenses

  263. Pingback: shaun white oakley

  264. Pingback: oakley flak jacket lenses

  265. Pingback: oakley dispatch sunglasses

  266. Pingback: oakley cases

  267. Pingback: youth oakley sunglasses

  268. Pingback: foakleys

  269. Pingback: oakley glasses

  270. Pingback: oil rig oakley sunglasses

  271. Pingback: oakley flak jacket xlj sunglasses

  272. Pingback: oakley motorcycle sunglasses

  273. Pingback: oakley flak jacket xlj

  274. Pingback: oakley tactical boots

  275. Pingback: oakley flak jacket polarized lenses

  276. Pingback: oakley locations

  277. Pingback: oakley aviators

  278. Pingback: fake Oakley M Frame

  279. Pingback: oakley goggles

  280. Pingback: oakley sticker

  281. Pingback: cheap oakley glasses

  282. Pingback: oakley kids

  283. Pingback: oakley earsocks

  284. Pingback: Oakley Jacket

  285. Pingback: oakley military boots

  286. Pingback: oakley googles

  287. Pingback: wholesale oakley sunglasses from china

  288. Pingback: oakley tactical

  289. Pingback: oakley safety glasses

  290. Pingback: m frame oakley

  291. Pingback: oakley razrwire

  292. Pingback: oakley gloves

  293. Pingback: oakley frogskins sale

  294. Pingback: fake Oakley Monster

  295. Pingback: Oakley Pit Boss

  296. Pingback: oakley half jacket lenses

  297. Pingback: oakley tightrope

  298. Pingback: fake oakley frogskins polarized

  299. Pingback: oakley jawbone sunglasses

  300. Pingback: oakley oil rig

  301. Pingback: oakley tactical gloves

  302. Pingback: oakley flak jacket polarized

  303. Pingback: oakley grips

  304. Pingback: oakley cycling glasses

  305. Pingback: sunglass oakley

  306. Pingback: oakley five

  307. Pingback: city of oakley

  308. Pingback: oakley crowbar goggles

  309. Pingback: oakley oil rig polarized

  310. Pingback: oakley 2014

  311. Pingback: Oakley Juliet

  312. Pingback: oakley lenses

  313. Pingback: oakley scalpel

  314. Pingback: oakley signs

  315. Pingback: oakley ballistic glasses

  316. Pingback: oakleys for sale

  317. Pingback: cheap oakley glasses

  318. Pingback: oakley ski pants

  319. Pingback: cheap oakley sunglasses

  320. Pingback: oakley transistor

  321. Pingback: oakley monster dog

  322. Pingback: oakley frogskin sunglasses

  323. Pingback: oakley crosshair sunglasses

  324. Pingback: oakley frame

  325. Pingback: oakley sunglasses clearance

  326. Pingback: oakley goggle lenses

  327. Pingback: oakley vault

  328. Pingback: oakley whisker

  329. Pingback: oakley baseball sunglasses

  330. Pingback: oakley a frame

  331. Pingback: oakley holbrooks

  332. Pingback: oakley wiretap

  333. Pingback: oakley straight jacket lenses

  334. Pingback: fake oakleys sunglasses

  335. Pingback: oakley radar lenses

  336. Pingback: Oakley Asian Fit

  337. Pingback: oakley oil rig lenses

  338. Pingback: oakley luggage

  339. Pingback: oakley flak jacket xlj lenses

  340. Pingback: oakley sunglasses gascan

  341. Pingback: oakley backpacks

  342. Pingback: oakley prescription sunglasses

  343. Pingback: Oakley Hijinx

  344. Pingback: oakley frogskins lenses

  345. Pingback: oakley holeshot

  346. Pingback: oakley metal plate

  347. Pingback: oakley flak jacket polarized

  348. Pingback: oakley c six

  349. Pingback: oakley glasses

  350. Pingback: replica Oakley Gascan

  351. Pingback: replica oakley sunglasses 2014

  352. Pingback: oakley discounts

  353. Pingback: monster dog oakley

  354. Pingback: oakley half jackets

  355. Pingback: Oakley M Frame

  356. Pingback: oakley socket 4.0

  357. Pingback: oakley military discount

  358. Pingback: oakley ca

  359. Pingback: oakley sale

  360. Pingback: oakley wallet

  361. Pingback: oakley bottlecap lenses

  362. Pingback: oakley crowbar

  363. Pingback: oakley juliet polarized

  364. Pingback: fake Oakley Fuel Cell

  365. Pingback: oakley racing

  366. Pingback: oakley outlet store

  367. Pingback: oakley sunglasses wholesale

  368. Pingback: louboutin christian

  369. Pingback: coach clothing store

  370. Pingback: ray ban sunglasses wayfarer

  371. Pingback: ray ban sunglasses for women

  372. Pingback: womens ray ban sunglasses

  373. Pingback: ray ban 4147

  374. Pingback: ray ban sunglasses cheap

  375. Pingback: ray ban glasses

  376. Pingback: ray ban replacement lenses

  377. Pingback: ray ban polarized

  378. Pingback: ray ban wayfarer sunglasses

  379. Pingback: ray ban wayfarer

  380. Pingback: Cartier Juste Un Clou

  381. Pingback: red mulberry bag

  382. Pingback: ??? ??

  383. Pingback: ???? iphone???

  384. Pingback: ???? iphone???

  385. Pingback: ??? ???

  386. Pingback: coach ???

  387. Pingback: coach ??

  388. Pingback: ????????

  389. Pingback: air jordan 1

  390. Pingback: ?????? ??

  391. Pingback: ????? ???

  392. Pingback: TUMI ??? 26141

  393. Pingback: ???? ?????

  394. Pingback: ????????? ???

Comments are closed.